You failed...YAY!

My name is Christine, and I am a recovering perfectionist.

Some days are easier than others, and yes, it is still difficult to be around others when they're being perfect. Nothings makes me want to flip my "Oh yes, I AM perfect, thank you for asking" switch more than seeing someone else do it.

The problem with perfectionism? At the root, it is based solely on fear. (It's also very obnoxious).

Kona, a frequent guest dog at our house, embraces her imperfections and fears nothing but vigorous exercise. 

The last few weeks, the subject of fear has come up frequently in conversations with both friends and clients. I have been starting to ask the question, "What, at your core, motivates you?" This is certainly not an easy question to answer, but something that deserves some pondering. When perfectionism was my schtick (please see my first post to catch up on the whole schtick rant), fear was my motivator.

Every.decision.I.made.was.ruled.by.fear.

At the time, I didn't realize it (too busy feigning perfection, no time for things like self reflection). However, there is no better remedy for perfection than going through a big whopper of a screw-up, and ::gasp:: surviving! (For those of you reading this who cannot fathom what it is like to be perfectionistic, the general belief is that any sort of screw up will most definitely result in death, leprosy, or an eternity of writing "I will not make a mistake" on loose leaf paper).

Once upon a time, I was very young (naive) and thought it would be a fantastic idea to get married. I knew the statistics of getting married young (I was in graduate school to be a marriage and family therapist, for Heaven's sake!) but was determined to beat the odds (a fantastic side effect of perfectionism). After a while of being in this marriage, I woke up one day and didn't recognize the person I had turned into. All of my energy was spent keeping up the facade of being happy, and convincing my colleagues, supervisors, family, friends, and husband of this happiness (it turns out later that those who knew me well saw right through this, but that's another story). The problem was, no amount of convincing everyone around me was enough to convince myself that I was happy. So, I naturally did what any perfectionist would do, and ignored  the inner voice that was quietly telling me it was time to make a change.

And I pushed on! Great success!

And then one day, I just couldn't anymore. The fear of failure that motivated my every move had drained me, and all that was left was a fragile shell of a person who used to be me. And it was sad. I remember the moment that everything changed for me. I was talking to my mom on the phone (something I still do about seventeen times a day, not interested in cutting the apron strings thank you very much), and without us really ever talking about "The" issue directly before, she just said, "Christine...you know you don't have to stay".

With those words, I was freed.

What came after that was a whirlwind (tornado? monsoon? tsunami?) of chaos and emotion and pain (oooh the pain!), but at the end of that, I sat down on my couch (in my house, where I now lived alone), took a deep cleansing breath, and realized that I just made one of the biggest mistakes a person can make. I contributed to the mounting divorce rate in this country, I dropped the ball, I failed.

And I had never, ever, ever felt better. 

Taken in Berkeley, California right after the divorce. I can't begin to explain the healing that happened on this trip, with some of the best people on the planet.

To get back to my original point, I felt released from the shackles of perfection. I was no longer making decisions out of fear. For some reason, making a very big, public error gave me a sense of power - I had already done "the worst", what else did I have to lose? I did all sorts of "crazy" things I had never allowed myself to do before, because I knew I couldn't do them perfectly. I sang karaoke for the first time (IN FRONT OF PEOPLE) and actually had fun! I started dabbling in photography and attempted poetry and reached out to different people and groups. I made a lot of mistakes, and enjoyed every minute of it. In the end, I learned to be motivated by joy, not fear. I began to ask myself, "What things can I do to enhance the joy in my life, and in the lives of others?" And believe it or not, when your focus becomes joy, the outcome is more joy.

As I type this, I'm sitting out on my beloved back porch of the home I share with super-husband and the pups, and literally cannot imagine being happier. I might even go as far as saying that I am bursting with happiness. And in exchange for this happiness, I have committed myself to a lifetime of proudly making mistakes. I already know it is worth it.

My sanctuary of uber-happiness!

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes,

"Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life..." - Dr. David M. Burns

...and a question. What, at your core, motivates you? 






Enjoy the sunshine in your day today, (regardless of the weather) :)